Dear Lily
by alwayshp
Summary: Snape finds himself hidden away during the final battle writing a letter to his beloved Lily.  What does it say?


Snape sat at his desk, thinking back through all those years since he was eleven. Even with the war going on throughout the rest of the castle and the grounds, he knew no one would come up to the headmaster's office. For those fighting, both light and dark, had something of a religious respect for the headmaster's study. It was here that he began to focus on his beloved Lily. Snape sighed and pulled out a piece of parchment. He began to write his doe a letter…

Dear Lily,

Even if you will never read it, I still need to tell you some things. Every day that I wake up, my first thought it of you. I go back to the first time I saw you. I was mesmerized watching you show your sister that thing with the flower. When she called you a freak, I could not help but think back to how many times that same word had been directed to me. I was delighted to have something in common with someone for the first time in my life, even if our common word made your face fall. I had never seen someone with so much life. Even at ten years old, I knew you were something special. The first time I looked into your sparkling green eyes-they bore so deep into mine, I could feel like you could see my soul-I got lost in a sea of green. Your fiery red hair was flowing in the wind. Those eyes are permanently locked in my memory and heart forever. Even in these darkest of times, I can still think of you and look into your eyes once more and have peace in my soul. All of these years later, I still feel like you are looking down on me, just as you were when you sat up on that stool, first year, getting sorted. I had forgotten every wish I had ever had before. All my wishes-past, present, and future-were focused on you getting into Slytherin with me. I know now that, as much as it pains me to say it, that Slytherin was not for you. You were too full of life, love, and happiness to live in those dungeons, follow the lifestyle of those people. I wish I had that same life in me. The first four years at Hogwarts with you were the best days of my life. We probably had the most improbable friendship at school. Lily Evans, the beautiful redhead, and me, the slimy, greasy git that my students still call me to this day. None of that mattered to us, though. You were my first friend, and I was your first friend in the magical world. I can remember looking across the dungeon at you in Potions in third year. Your brow was scrunched up and you were biting on your bottom lip in concentration. A small smile crept onto my face. You were the only one that could get me to smile. That was when Lucius slapped me back into concentration. I guessed you heard the commotion, because you looked up at me and smiled that smile-a smile that was only for me. They only call me the best in potion maker of our age, only because you are no longer with us. We were inseparable for a while. There was no place I would have rather spent my time than with you. I held you when you cried about being exiled by your sister. You healed my cuts and bruises from my father. It was always Lily and Sev—Sev and Lily. Then came that fateful day in fifth year. If there is one thing I regret in my life, it is that one word, those eight letters, I said to you. I would join the Dark Lord a thousand times before I said that to you again. I never felt like I had a chance to explain my joining the Dark Lord. Coming from a home where I was never accepted, never told I had a shot in life, I could not help finding this acceptance in something bigger than myself. I wanted to be something. I guess I sometimes forgot that you were the one that would define me. You made me something and everything. My heart and soul, to this day, is filled with regret. If I never told you this before, then here it is: I am sorry. It does not change the past, but showing weakness was never my strong point. For our final two years at Hogwarts, I watched you every day. Hoping and willing you to look over my way. Hoping and willing your eyes to bear into mine just one more time. After Hogwarts and not having you to look at every day, I delved deeper into the Dark Lord's work. Some days it would make me feel better knowing that someone else might be feeling the same pain that I felt every day after losing you. Then I heard that you and James were expecting. I believe that was the day that I first ended one's life. The prophecy came soon after that. The Dark Lord believed it to be your son. He was planning on killing you all. I could not let him do that to my love, my doe, my Lily. I begged him to spare your life. In my mind, I was begging him to spare all of your lives because I knew taking James and your son away from you would only cause you more pain than if you were actually dead. Only I could not say my thoughts out loud or my loyalty would be questioned and I would be dead myself. I had to be alive to watch out for you. Even with my resolve to not speak my true thought, I found them almost slipping out. Lucius saved me from that fate. He was the only one that knew I loved you. I never told him. I guess he is a better man and friend that I always took him to be. I knew better than to trust the Dark Lord with sparing your life. I went to Dumbledore and cried for the first time in my life. I begged him to protect you and your family. I gave everything of my life, heart, and soul to him to protect you. Only you and James placed your faith in the wrong person. I know you had reasons for doing it, but I could see right through Peter Prettigrew in our later years at school. You and James had perished but you son lived. Furiously, I went to Dumbledore demanding to know why he did not see you to safety. He was the same man then as he is now. He told me that if I truly loved you that I would protect your son when the Dark Lord came back to power. No one ever knew of our deal. I would sometimes sit and watch your sister's house on Privet Drive, just hoping for a glance of the boy. I had to know if he had your eyes as Dumbledore had said. I never saw him though. It was not until the moment he set foot into Hogwarts that I saw those, your, green eyes again. So long they had been away from me. I could not help but take a second and lose myself in them, pretending them to be yours, hoping that when I pulled back you would be standing right there as you were all those many years before. I protected him from afar. I could not come closer. Harry always thought I hated him. While that may be true to some degree because of his reminder of James, I could never hate him. He was all I had left of you. Nobody ever expected that I would care for him. Dumbledore was the first to figure it out when he told me that Harry must die by the Dark Lord's hand. I cast my doe for him, showing that even through all the years, I never could let go of you. Especially when I had Harry's eyes to remind me of you every day. You were my always Lily. My past, my present, my future—my always. When the time comes that I may die, which I expect will be soon, I hope that my last memory, my last thought, is of you, your eyes, your life. Thank you, Lily, for being my reason for everything.

Always,

Severus

Snape blinked away his tears, only to find a few dripping onto the parchment. Crying was no stranger to him. Every night since Harry had set foot in Hogwarts, he would retire to his rooms every night and let the tears come as they may. Some days they were of sadness. Seeing Harry was a constant reminder that she had chosen another man. Some days they were of happiness. Harry was the only thing this world had left of Lily Evans, other than memories. Sometimes, Snape could look past every one of Harry's other features and stare deep into his eyes—his mother's eyes. He knew the end was near. The Dark Lord will surely believe that he was the true master of the Elder Wand and order his death. Lily's eyes flashed into his mind again as a new set of tears escaped his eyes. He heard someone clear their throat and looked up. Lucius stood before him. Concern and sadness shadowed his grey eyes.

"It's time," Lucius said, "The Dark Lord commands your presence."

"Thank you, Lucius. I will go to him at once." Snape rose from his desk for the last time.

Lucius looked upon his friend and said, "I believe that this might be the last time I will see you. It has been a complete privilege and honor to fight along side of you, even if it may have not been on the right side."

Severus, having no words, just nodded and began to walk out of the office.

"Severus," Lucius said as Snape turned around to face his friend once more, "Even if she did not love you in the way you did her, there is no denying that she loved you. Always."

"Always," Snape repeated, "Always."


End file.
